I frequently wish that what I do (on mfc) was something I could talk about. I wish it wasn't something stigmatized and frowned upon in polite society. Guys get poked fun at for watching porn, having collections of porn, but I don't think anyone really thinks any less of the average guy with the average size porn collection. Society just kind of expects it of you.
Women who view porn, or worse - are in the adult entertainment industry, we're the scum of the earth in a lot of people's eyes. I want to be able to discuss sexuality with some of the important women in my life. My feminist aunt. My other aunt who's more like a big sister than anything else. My sister. A few others. But I feel like our society (especially here in the south) discourages women from exploring these things. Indeed, from being sexual.
Men want us to put out, and when we do, (physically or digitally) we're labeled as sluts, loose, easy.
My mom was raised Baptist. You know, the folks that aren't supposed to dance or drink. I was made to attend a Methodist church when I was a young teen. Obviously we didn't spend any time discussing anything sexual except for the sex ed thing. I never got "the talk" from my parents. Eventually I had sex ed in health class at school, but I had to suffer through the abstinence only propaganda from my church first. Very little actual information. Mostly just citations of scripture saying not to fuck around before marriage.
I've never felt comfortable talking to my mom about anything sexual or about my sexual anatomy. Struggling with puberty as a boy is probably more frustrating, but I didn't feel comfortable asking my mom anything about my changing body. To this day I still don't know how to find a correctly fitting bra.
I learned about masturbation from the internet. Back when I was in my early teens, we had AOL, and AOL had message boards (I don't think you could access them through any website, I believe it was only available via the AOL client) on allllll sorts of topics. There was a board specifically for teens. It was a general topic board for teens, but of course most of it consisted of discussion on our blossoming sexuality and bodies.
I can remember maybe as far back as 8 or 9 that I would wake up in the middle of the night with an odd feeling in the area between my legs. I discovered that I could relieve this somewhat uncomfortable feeling by laying on top of my hands and rubbing my genital area over them. I can remember what I supposed most have been my first orgasms. I didn't know what was going on at the time. I remember when I realized what it was that I had been doing I was really embarrassed, because I could recall sometimes it had been in the presence of others (on one occasion my whole family in a hotel room) who I could then only hope had been asleep.
I didn't know anything about my genitals. My mom never encouraged me to be familiar with my body. As far as I knew, there was a hole for pee and a hole for poo. I obviously knew where the poo came from, but I thought then that the pee came from what I now know is my vagina. Unless you know to look for it (and have a mirror) the female urethra isn't real obvious.
Anyway, on that AOL message board, I read about all sorts of methods for masturbation. I don't recall any mention of orgasms, specifically, just that it was said to feel nice. I read about rubbing against pillows, aiming your bathtub faucet on your junk, sitting on the washing machine. I also heard about "toys" made specifically for this purpose. I had no idea of the relation between boy's genitals and girls genitals and any sort of physical pleasure. Hadn't even really occurred to me how sex works for the purposes of reproduction, no one had explained it to me yet and my mom was pretty conservative about what I was allowed to see on tv and in movies. I can remember a time when I didn't even realize a physical difference between boys and girls. I didn't know that boys were physically in possession of different parts than girls, and it didn't even occur to me that I would have breasts when I grew up. I just thought there were boys and girls, and there was just something inherently different between the two but had no notion that we had different body parts.
I didn't have a bathtub, I had a shower. And not the fun kind that has the nozzle spray thing you can hold in your hand and move around. Just a regular stationary thing on the wall shower. So the tub wasn't an option. I had read on the boards about using fingers inside, and that there was a special spot on the outside that would make your knees feel funny if you rub it really fast. I spent many an evening running up the water bill (and using all the hot water) sitting on the floor of my shower trying to figure out my body, to no avail. Penetration didn't feel good. I tried fingers, I put a latex glove over my hairbrush handle and tried that. I tried the handle end of an electric toothbrush (with latex glove) both inside and on the special spot. I did find the spot and it made my knees feel weird when I rubbed it while standing, but that was about it.
After a lot of shamed and halfhearted exploration, and in spite of what I didn't realize at the time had been several orgasms over the years (grinding on my hands), I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with me and that for some reason my body didn't work because...well, it just didn't feel like anything amazing like I had read about. Later on, when I was introduced to the idea of some big buildup, I assumed I was incapable of having an orgasm too.
To this day I still cannot achieve orgasm without my Hitachi Magic Wand. I desperately wish that I could. I have a great deal of anxiety about it. I feel like if I ever do find a man that wants to be with me, he will be frustrated with me because I can't show him how I like to be touched, because even I don't know.
My ex boyfriend, who I was with for 6 years (and had been a virgin when we started dating) eventually gave up on trying to pleasure me. To be honest, we were pretty terrible with communication. I was embarrassed that I couldn't show him how to touch me, and he was frustrated because he didn't get ego stroking of being able to pleasure his woman. He tried oral on me a few times, but he REALLY hated the fuzz.
Eventually we had to resort to copious amounts of lube and just skipping the foreplay because it just made us both so frustrated. Completely opposite of what foreplay is supposed to achieve, right? Sex sucked. I was always dry and he would just flop around on top of me until he finished. Sometimes I was too dry for him to even be able to finish without me being in too much pain. He was always silent too. Might as well have been getting fucked by mime for all the noise he made. I really enjoy hearing my lover enjoying himself. Maybe he wasn't enjoying himself.
I tried to spice things up (for me, and I thought if I was more into it, he would be happier too), I asked if he would like to watch me masturbate, or if we could do that together. Obviously I would be using the hitachi. He wasn't in to that idea. He didn't want to do it in person, or even from 100 yards away over skype (we live in the same apartment complex but not the same unit). I explained to him that it kind of turned me on to think of someone watching me pleasure myself and getting turned on by it. He didn't care. I guess at that point I started looking for other outlets for that.
More later. Must acquire ramen.
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